dating... :(

hey yall, i know it has been a while and i apologize. Due to my lack of internet access i have not been able to post as soon as i would like.But anyway.... ineresting weekend. I finall y finished all my exams, so i celebrated by sleeping all day. Wne to the art musuem for the first with a friend of mine, and had a great time, and then had to rush back home to help my mom with something. i have been rethinking this whole dating thing. i guess i am not used to it but i am trying. It just seems that as soon as i want to get back in the mix there is nothing left in the koolaid besides the little clumps in the bottom no one likes to drink. i dont know u am just so new to this whole scene. I have been in relationships so long, i gues i forgot the whole aspect of courting. Happy that i am almost over this whole breakup thing the only thing i really want is not answers but my David Chapelle dvd back. Conatacted him, and he says hell give it back but i doubt it. Anyway why is it when guys approach me or "try to spit game" it seems so usless and pathetic. I guess with this whole getting a self esteem i also got some standards, but now i am wondering if they are too high. Is it too much to ask for for a guy with some sense, hopefully some formal education and or a job that isnt part time "aroudn the way" work. Or too hard to find someone who is not just recently out from jail/prison, or a half way house. i would just like to find someone to just hang out with or chill without sex being a factor. I guess i dont want to rely too much on one person for fear of making the same mistakes i have in the past (thinking too much into it and making a relationship of off nothing) and try to find some male fiends. I had so many in the past, but i guess that was pre-standards, and when they knew they had to live up to my 2 rules ( anyone who knows me knows my 2 rules, and if you dont you can just guess.) But they all went away when a big scary man scared them away. They are starting to trickle back now, but drunk and to my dismay not up to these newly stadards. i dont know maybe my standards are too high, maybe before i got level with this whole self esteem have too much of it, but i doubt that. I would just like to meet someone that is on the same level as me, not too high, not too low, just someone with something in common rather than living in philly and witnessing that last shoot out at the bodega the other day. i dont know male friends are always more fun and easier than female friends, i guess that is why i have so few of them today. i dont know maybe i should just give up this dating thing it is too hard and just get married to someone that is just ok, for fear of failure. I miss not having to worry about stuff like finding male friends or causual relationships. Any way it doesnt matter, more time to focus on school and work, and maybe just maybe my steel pan, if i ever get over that nervousness around them and playing in public. Another gig this sunday so pray for me, kinda of nervous. But the other people do not know much about pan so hopefully it wont be so bad. any gtg ... ~goodnite~